Heartbroken

Heartbroken today. :( I had a child from Reece's Rainbow that I was raising funds for. I was trying to rais funds for her to find a forever family; however, I WANTED to bring Marley home!!! I wanted to adopt her; however, before I could raise enough money to commit to her another family found her. She now has a family and for that we can praise God our prayers worked. I love you Marley. I hope you have a long and happy life with your new forever family God has blessed you with. I will never forget you. You will always be in my heart.

I am heartbroken because once again whatever path he means for me Marley is not it. Although she was deep in my heart with only one picture I will not be her new mamma. She will not be the "little sister" my children thought we were going to fight to bring home. The fight was over before we even got started. Someone else already committed. Another one of life's bittersweet moments.

Memorial Box Monday

My Memorial Box Monday happened last MONDAY!!!

I was looking at young children (especially girls). I have a deep desire and have for many years to adopt my daughter a sister. She has two brothers, but no sisters. I have two of each and my "sister bonds" as so special that I just could not leave my daughter with a hole in her heart. (She doesn't know it, but I feel it is there. She doesn't think she is missing anything. She will learn.)

Many times before when looking at babies my husband would walk over and say "Yeah she's cute, but we don't need any more" or "Yeah she's cute, but we can't afford to adopt" or more recently "Yeah she's cute, but you have a new grandbaby to spoil now we don't need another one." Well this Monday I had not expected any different. I had been praying that if this adoption that was so deep in my heart was to become a reality then please bring my husband on board as I could not do it without him. Same prayer, many months.

Well Monday when I was looking at these little ones I kept going back to one that caught my eye in November. My husband walks over and says "Yeah, she's cute..... If you think we can raise the funds you can get her." IMAGINE MY SHOCK! I could not believe he actually said yes.

I have been on a roller coaster of emotion this past week now second guessing myself because we don't have the money saved to even start much less finish a $25,000 adoption. He has been laid off, but now he is working again so we will eventually have the money, but right now? Why did he agree now? We can't do this now. BUT the little one I am looking at turns 7 next month. The orphange will transfer her out of the baby house. She is very small and not mentally capable to care for herself. How can they transfer her? She can not bathe herself and she is in diapers. How will she survive. We must move quickly, but how? I received more information on her and SHE SHARES A BIRTHDAY WITH MY HUSBAND!!! So cool. Another positive in his book. He is entirely on board. Now I am stressing the "hows" of it all.

However, I will never forget the Monday when he finally agreed. :) God is great and he DOES answer prayers. Definately not in our time but he does answer. Yippee Jesus!!!

Emotion of the Day

This week has been emotionally trying. Ups, downs, all over the place in between. The emotion for the day GUILT! I feel guilt that I want to get a child and bring her home. I feel I am taking away from a family by spending so much (6 months salary) on trying to get one little girl home. I don't know why I feel this way, I guess because my hubby said "we could buy a car with that money". It is not that he wants to buy a car and I asked him if we shouldn't... and he said "You get back 10fold what you give. I say we give to get her." :) That was amazing. My son told me "I know lots of people mom, we can raise the money, we got this." He is 19 and out of the house and I miss him so much sometimes. He has the biggest heart of any of my kids. None of my three children have acted the least like they are being slighted by money that I will need to bring a sister home to the family. Why then am I having so much trouble feeling guilty? UGH!! What a long road ahead this will be. G'nite all. Please pray for me and the *sister* that I can hopefully commit to soon. God Bless.

Better today. :)

Okay, I am feeling better today and not so overwhelmed. This is going to be a "small steps" process.  I learned more about the little one I want and I still want her (if she will have us). She is almost 7 years old. I would love to start right away; however, also got a handle on some of the finances and that just isn't in the cards yet. I am praying on it and doing what I can do. Hoping to officially "start" by the end of February. My daughter asked  "Do you think you will have her home by my birthday?" Sorry to inform her that would not be possible. :( Wish it could, but just don't see it happening by May. The little one is an "older child" and she has special needs so that might make it a little quicker, but I have to have a firm handle on the beginnings of the financing before I can commit to her and start the process. Continue to pray. If it is meant to be it will be. I prayed for months that my husband would hop on board and he literally almost did "hop on board". He went from "no we can't afford one, don't need one" to "if you can finance it... go get her" all in the space of a heartbeat. Could not believe it. As Linny would say YIPPEE JESUS!!! HE had to have a hand in it because my husband has been telling me for years we were not adopting.

Scared to Death

Okay... Today has been a mix of emotions. My hubby FINALLY GAVE CONSENT TO ADOPT!!! Now I am scared to death. How to start? Can I fund this? Where to adopt? I have one child I found on ReecesRainbow that I would love to get, but in a country that does very few adoptions. Do I take the chance on that one child or play it safe in another country where there are more children with needs? So lost, confused... now that I have what I wanted I don't know how to start. Pray for guidance... Oh my. :)